i want a party. not an elaborate one. i just need my good friends, around 20 of them, with lots of food that i love and a hello kitty cut-out cake. we'll watch some movies and play some games. i'll be so happy.


but i cant have any of that now. my sweet sixteen will be celebrated with a cupcake. a f ing cupcake. oh and maybe pizza. wow.


its not just a birthday. its MY sweet sixteen. i care about these things. its something i have been waiting for since young. im just so indignant to let it pass me by wasted.

ok emo's over. got back LA today was quite surprised and happy. but still dosent make things better. tmr getting back 3 okay 2 since i didnt take chem. DOOMS DAY.

i failed math. surprise, surprise.
cant say i didn expect worse but still feels awful as hell.
i dont know why i keep not doing well for math. WHY?!
not like i didnt study. i did study. and still it's like this.
how to tell my mummy :/
i bet mr chiang is so disappointed in me. ok maybe he wasnt disappointed i mean i've always been around there. bwehhhhhhhh dear life, you suck.

watched Gattaca. but nt finished yet. Ethan Hawke is Hawt. HAHAHAHA :D
Had chem test after school. i wiated for Rita Ong for like 1/2 hour. i think i called her like >10. so mr chiang saw me like still waiting after so long and kindly helped me look for rita ong turns out shes in staff room.

now tell me what is the point of a telephone. what.

chem tests. was not as okay as i hoped it to be. because i totally forgot all about oxidation states. :/ blehhhh. i like did the paper alone cos mrs ong ha dto go for her CCA. so like uhh no one will know even if i had cheated. but of cos i dint :DDD but it is so distracting with all the npcc commands and whatever wierd orchestra sounds.

please please please. let me pass my other subjects. i'll trade like my hello kitty stuff. pleaseeeeeee.

Lesson number one: Money makes the world go so round

something i had learnt long ago but never really gone right down to it. now its so bloody damn clear. its so tiring to see my mum being so tired. it hurts to know that i cant do what i want. hurts to know that i'll never know when we'll get better. my sweet sixteen...uhh not so sweet anymore. but its okay elaine, you've gotta learn that now's not the time for parties and presents. you cant even feed yourself for christs sake. somehow i gotta stop wanting things. i have to. i am so freakin miserable for what i am deprived of. S T O P.

FREEDOM

or not.

haha well, at least BLOCKS are O-V-E-R. :D

but i can hardly enjoy the period-after-blocks because i screwed, totally screwed MATHS. todayye i dreamt that i got 0 for math okay. it's the worst nightmare i had ever gotten. like 0/60 . please please please let this dream not come true. PLEASE. at least give me 50% okay! for the 700 bucks dinner i missed because of it its the least i effing deserve manz! ]:

went out on thurs after blocks even though i was devastated. so we went to...


SHOKUDO! whoots went with seewhy yuanyi rina penny. Shokudo is officially my happy-food-favourite-place-no.1 =hffpno.1 hahaha this is total nonsense. but the food rocks. imagine after block so tired and hungry, then you come to this food haven and see all these japanses food that you love. it is my happy place. yay me! love the omelette <3

Friday- went to school popular and preordered Breaking Dawn! coming out on 4th august. 1 day after ben xiao jie' birthday. i am so going to chiong to pop once bell rings for recess.

went out after school to bukit timah plaza to eat Pizza Hut with seewhy nicole xiuhui rina penny and weiqing. hehe i listed the names in order of the way we sit :D. ok nonsense again. food was good though not very filling.

Saturday. went out with nicole gwen and xiuhui and georgina. auchuinyin was spose to come but sick eeyer! watched THE DARK KNIGHT! after we met gwen realised she havent bought the tickets so hafta walk frm raffles place to marina. i still dunno why we dint meet at marina in the first place -.- anw went to GV and realise omgawd tickets oni left like the 4th and 5th rows. so xiuhui and gwen bravely got this family who were queueing up for the visa line to buy for us so we can get those seats in time. yay us!

TDK is super action packed luh. some time the images are so confusing becos so many thing happen simultaneously lol. but twas good. joker is cool andddd scary. especially when he starts on his do you why i got this scar... thingy. LOL clap clap. hopefully christian bale dint really beat his mum and sis or i'll be very upset and disappointed ]<

cross country on monday! going out afterwards. but eew sticky and sweaty ]:

latest happenings:

auntie from tokyo came and brought 2 ORIGINAL&DAMN NICE BoA POSTERS which she bought online it was the last one left :0 YAYYYYYYY. i framed one already! using one of our old frames. cos i went IKEA and theres only 50x70 and 70x100 when the poster is like 55x75. so sadddddddd. and i have to wait to see if can ask my uncle to help drill a hole in my wall to put it up so now it is just leaning against the wall ]: anw its so pwetty!




Today's PE totally sucked. i suck at floorball! i freakin hit the ball to the opponents side during face off T.T ahwells height and weight was okayyy. i didnt grow ...still at 168.5 T.T and i gained 0.5kg! T.T ok i didnt gained as much as expected but still... its badd. yuanyi reminded i was tallest in class in p6 actually i was tallest in class from p1-p6 =D

and today during the briefing for CC, ms yeo went to show those who havent pass up mc for missing napfa/ failures. my name was like the top of the column lah so embarassing ]; now everyone thinks i failed! i did not! i just dint come to school for the 2 days! urgh! ]:

i feel like i'm the most horrible person alive. i dont want to try anymore. can i not be me, please? i really really hate who i am. why is it always like this? is it my fault again? i cant ever make it right again. its too late. please, just, stop. i dont need the pain.

im a coward. but if being a coward can avoid having to face the reality i really want to be one. i need courage. either to take up a penknife or to jump off a building or throw myself in front of a bunch of speeding cars. i dont care anymore. i just need courage. i am so tired. really tired this time. more than anyone else. i cant take this anymore. i need to talk to someone. now. but who else can understand who i really am inside? stop me before i really do something.

part of me is laughing at myself for being like those people on tv, those people that i had laughed about so lightly. but i cant do that now. i dont know if i had already become one of them. will i get past this, or will i give up before that? im not emo, im just freakin sick.

Friday

WHEEEEEE! Funfairrr at NY. but poor me had to do bio pract before funfair lah plssss. nvm so i chiong and i manage to only miss abit of funfair =DD then join the peeps and walked around. 4/5 store was so funny. everyone got so wet! and chenzihui went to chase me around the school with a jug of water -.- nyeeeehhh i escaped =D hmm this years funfair okay lah. at least got some new stuff's not just those few things you do at funafairs. haha so there was DDR this year. so me, CY, cheng and gwen - 4 ppl, played and our highest score was a C. HAHAH damn loserr lah. i keep going offbeat wlao. yuanyi and CY played the badminton game then earned them 2 cups of bubble tea so cool! okay so anyway. i think i was damn blurrr. I KNOW I AM SO STOP REMINDING ME I AM. firstly i left my BoA CD at 403 game stall cos i was too carried away. and i realise only 15 mins later -.- i am so sorry my BoA CD i shall never ever forget about you again. then almost to the end of funfair, i realised that i FRIIGGIN LOST MY PHONE! MY NEW PHONE MY BAOBEI. so it went like this according to memory:
me: Chuinyin! I LOST MY PHONE!!!!
cy, yy, cheng: huh? where you last put it?
me: i dont know i dont know i dont know!
cy, yy, licheng: wait u think again where did u last see it? did you leave it in class?
me: i dont know i dont know I DONT KNOW! HOWWW!
cy: okay okay i go up class with you to find.

heheheheh then in the end cy found my phone in class. phewwwwwwwwwwww. i really think i wll faint on the spot if i cant my phone!


YUANYI HOUSE WAS FUN. oh and her playgrd too. i learnt the proper way to go on a merry go round. but i was too scared! i mean the thing was moving so fast! HAHAHA okay i noe im damn loseerrr. rina hee damn pro luh. climb up the swing stand. i see alrdy ka neng cann. and she can swing damn high. manz. i think my swing oni oscillate at like an angle less than 30 degrees.

YUANYI HOUSE HAS A SUPER NICE KITECHEN CONCEPT. so cool lah. next time i want to have such a big and clean and classy kitchen. i gave yuanyi's dogs a chinese name each. SHENG1 XIU4 de for Rusty and Fa1 Liang4 de for Sparky. YAYY ME!

at night after dinner while walking back to yuanyi hse after sending penny off, we were playing with shadows which i never knew could be so cute and funn. haha i bet we look stupid to other ppl but it was so fun LOL. so its a nice youth day =D

Saturday
went to Sihui house. Missed jin qu jiang T.T. ahwells jolin's not shortlisted so not say very interested. i saw the reports today on Jolin's dress saying it looks like a sanitary pad. hahaha its quite funny, but its ok i think its not that bad i think it kinda looks good on her. i mean not the fact that it resembles a sanitary pad.

dinner was fabb. but my lousy cousin has muscle ache because she ran 4x100. HAHAH worse than me d: so couldnt go swimmming. ahwells. watched LOTR ROTK for the 12345 time :D best show on earth. after my fair lady and the sound of music that is. those are my fav classics. no way anyone can remake that show after the way it's done so brilliantly [:

yayyy got another load of harper's bazaar frm my aunty. thank gawd! i was so frigin sad i cried for the whole day when my mum threw away the copies (2 bag fulls mindyou) that i have not read. these magazine are not JUST a magazine, they represent a beacon of hope! GETIT!!!

TODAY
back to reality! i am dying of overload of homework! zzzzzzzzzzz i dont know how to do yue du bao gao and ih essay save me!!!!